{tears in rain} ~ 2014 a year in review

“I have… seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those… moments… will be lost in time, like [small cough] tears… in… rain. Time… to die…”

I haven’t had the privilege to witness such futuristic sights as Roy, or even been faced with certain death after an epic rain scene. What I have filed away however, is just as altering.

I’ve come to clarity of the mind, an eruption of ideas, desire to have laser sharp senses… because at some point, we stopped living our life, and I watched someone else’s. And like the biggest grossing animation of like forever, I learned to Let it Go. that sounds soooo lame, sorry, but seriously, that shit is real.

When you have anger in your belly, there is temptation to seek comfort in Darth Vader’s world. I gave myself a timeout, and hit bottom by drifting thru each sad day. Debase, give yourself a headache, feel like somehow surrounding yourself with decay will help you have clarity.

Be something temporarily, so you can fully understand how to be something else. Wish I wrote that in Farsi, probably sounds a lot cooler.

It’s messed up because in the act of stripping myself, finding new knowledge and strength, I said fuck it to my previous way of being. Still think Confucius has a point though.

I had an impulse buy for plane tickets to Mexico. I was suppose to fly out Monday morning, but for reasons of miscommunication and responsibility to my kids, I didn’t go. Told myself “You’re in an amazing place. What has grown in me in only just a few, has already forever changed Kacy.” I fantasized of finally having that cathartic experience. On a beach. Alone with no responsibility. But I’m in New Jersey. Writing in the dining room after a significant last night.

I’ve come to a point of acceptance. My actions to let everything around me collapse, in a controlled crash landing, has helped me get here.

Timing is everything, and nothing. In my moment of pause, comes clarity. A flood of thoughts and shit to do. In true ironic fashion, I made a promise which has hurt and effected someone else.

I love you. Always and forever, no matter what happens. This love is what makes this not a burden, but rather a point of doing what is right. I know the action which needs to take place to do just that.

To my past clients, I owe you. Never had the intent of hurting anyone, especially you. On the most rudimentary level, I chalk it up to being lazy and unable to multitask. Right now, I see a person who works best under pressure. Putting things off, getting myself Up Against The Wall ~ what ever happened to that store… and Commander Salamander?

Great, Kacy is having disjointed thoughts and a waking moment, realizing that the matrix is real, but still hasn’t delivered what was promised to some real people… and how come there are no pictures in this post?

I’m sorry. Truly do feel like a douche for not delivering on my promise. From my past, and all the ignored new. I’ll work on making us whole.

Having been able to do whatever it is with this photography thing, I get goosebumps when loved ones say things like this…

You are an insanely talented photographer, everyone that has seen your work has mentioned that.  You are also an amazing person. And since I have known you, you have always accomplished what you have started.  You have raised two amazing boys, you have started a business from scratch, you have been an amazing brother and friend to so many.

I hate seeing you hurt.  You deserve nothing but happiness.  All of us will help you do whatever it is you want.  But this is not about any one particular business. This is about you being happy and being at your fullest and truest self.

Not sure the future of the BiniBlog. But burden free. No more dealing with spam from comments/emails/calls. No more trying to look attractive. Whether that has to do with fear of being accepted, or not being able to clearly hear my own voice. And apparently it will have words. Not that I find myself to be well versed in the skill, but just like the other new stuff I’ve found myself doing, I’m hoping to be able to speak with a purpose.

Never been a religious person, too much judgment for my taste, but have had a familiar feeling in something greater than me throughout my life. I get it now/accept the flow of life and am excited to build a new body of work… and compile it into a post with some pictures next time.

What excites me most
Is now having this knowledge
And being capable
Of sharing it with my boys

Insha’Allah (does fist bump while sounding like Baymax),

California

~book me~ ~review kacy jahanbini photography~ ~back to top~
  • January 23, 2015 - 8:31 pm

    Sally Melanie de Lourenco - No words…but love. Hang in there, your cocoon is opening and there will be time to fly. For now nurture yourself and those you love and move at a slow pace…for now. XoReplyCancel

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